33 Years Old

I overheard Sydney saying that she will be 33 in 25 years. What is she talking about? Just offhand it sounds funny. But I got it clarified. That is when her school time capsule will be opened. Her being 33 sounds so far away but it's only a few years off of my age now. So when she is 33 I will be...gulp...61! Why did I do the math?

Kissing

Tanner decided to watch Peter Pan yesterday. I love Peter Pan, it makes me feel happy. I was out in the laundry room doing... surprise, surprise...laundry. He ran out there all excited, "Wendy kissed Peter Pan!" I responded with, "She did?!" and he wrinkles up his face, "Ewwww...gwoss!"
I love it!

I Was Fired!

Tanner was such a stinker today...really. He was being super defiant today. Lucky me. After one episode, I put him in his typical timeout spot but he was just really being...mean. So I made him walk to his room to be on his bed for a "longer timeout." Once he was on his bed I hear him yell from his room, "Mom, you're fired!"
Really? I'm fired, hmmm. Sounds good to me. :)

Trying to Catch Up

I have posted some "old" blogs that I had back dated on July 20. I knew if I didn't do that I would never get them written and posted. I have done 5 now but have many...many more to do. So check back every so often to see what we have been up to since April 2009.

Blemish Update

I just know that you have been on the edge your seat wanting to know how I have been doing. So I'll fill you in and not leave you hanging any longer. :)
I am so much better. Hooray! I think writing that last blog really helped me. I try not to bring people down or put my troubles onto others shoulders. But keeping all of that "stuff" inside was just too much for me. It seems at times that people may think that my life is always easy and that any "troubles" just slide right off and are no big deal. Usually that is a true statement but I think that this round was too much for me. It was just too many blemishes for me at one time.
I have always thought that I have a great life. And even during my depression I knew that my life was great but I just could not rise above it. I am so thankful that I was able to function during my depression. There are so many out there who suffer with depression that are bed ridden, that their children do not see them, who have a strained marriage, the loss of friends...I am thankful.
I feel so much lighter now and so much happier. I am glad to be me again. I really missed me. :) I have just a couple of medical concerns to deal with and then that stress will be over with and it will help me be fully healed. The stress of the unknown is not my friend.
So this is the last you will read about my depression. My life is great. I have so much to be thankful for. Thank you for caring about me.

Blemishes

I have been gone awhile now. I'd say about 10 months but especially in the last 4 months I went missing. I was gone.

When Mother's Cookies filed for bankruptcy in October and Scott lost his job was the start. I cried for a week straight but thought that would be the end. I'd put on a happy face and keep saying everything is fine and everything will work out. (I still believe everything will work out but it is so much more difficult than I ever imagined.) I kept putting one foot in front of the other.
My mom came in December for a month. That did help some while she was here. Scott was struggling much more than he let on. We were taking the stress out on each other. It was not a happy month together. We received many blessings that month and without them there may not have been any happy days. Scott started school in January and some stress was released from him....he was moving forward, doing something productive. Me? I was just putting one foot in front of the other, smiling, saying "everything is fine".
February came and the kids got sick with the flu who in turn gave it to me. Because of this incident I lost my babysitting job the day before my birthday. I was so upset that I couldn't even finish talking to the mom on the phone when she called to let me know. I cried for a few days again. That money was helping us survive. But I stopped crying and put one foot in front of the other, smiled, and said "everything is fine."
Backtracking a little: We had a friend move in with us in April of 2008. We were trying to help him out while he was going through a difficult divorce. His rent money really came in handy after Scott lost his job 7 months after he moved in. At the end of March, he decided to move out, he wanted to have more space to himself. I understand that but it didn't make it any easier financially for us. So I put one foot in front of the other, smiled, and said "everything's fine."
Right after Sydney's baptism in April we had family move in with us. We spent all of our income tax return preparing our home for the big change. We added an office/den in the garage so they would have a space that is their own. We enclosed the laundry room so the office/den would not feel like it is in the garage. And we are still working on getting a second shower and bathroom completed. It was quite difficult to see the money dwindle to $0 and not have all of the renovations completed. I personally was hoping to have something leftover to have a little security but that did not happen.
I love this family very much. But...having two families under one roof is a big change. And much more difficult than I had anticipated. Different households do things differently and one way is not better than another's way, it's just different. And trying to combine two ways of doing things is not the easiest thing to do. It will be a hard road but we will do it.
With that said, it did not help the path of depression that I was on.
There were many things that led me down that path. There was much more than what I have already stated. A friend hurt me and I know that she is unaware. After I was hurt, I did put up a wall to keep her at a distance. Cody was really, really causing drama at home. Many emails from his teachers. Lots of privilege's taken away, groundings, and yelling. It was not a happy home. My calling at church was just....hard, really hard. I was told second hand some things about me that were not very nice, some of my character flaws. It is heartbreaking to hear things that people say about you especially when you know you are a good person.
It was getting more difficult to smile and put one foot in front of the other. A lot of this time is a bit fuzzy, I may have stopped paying attention and went to autopilot. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I felt like an empty shell. A very sad and heavy, empty shell. The only joy in my life was when my children made me laugh.
I functioned. Unless you paid close attention to me (or noticed my 20 lb weight gain), you would not have known I was depressed. I did what I needed to get done. I know how to smile and say "everything's fine". I did it for 10 months, I had lots of practice.
Then one day, I was done. I couldn't pretend to myself any longer. I went to my room and cried and cried and cried. I thought "I could walk out of here right now and just walk and walk and walk and never stop." That's when I knew I was depressed.
This is not the life that I want...being depressed that is. What a waste.
I decided it was time to bring me back. I missed me. It has been about a month now and I'm feeling better everyday. Of course there are still moments but for the most part I am seeing my life for what it is again.
I have so many blessings in my life. I have so much more than others. I have a beautiful life... with a few blemishes. Would I trade my life with someone else? No way. There are parts of their life that would be nice like financial stability but they might have a selfish husband or maybe they have unkind children or maybe they don't have loving parents. It just would not be a fair trade in the end. I would lose out big time.
This week while preparing my Sunday lesson for primary, I came across an article that I really found inspirational. It was written by Joseph B. Wirthlin and is titled "Come What May, and Love It". He has taught and reminded me of many things I needed right now like "every life has peaks and shadows and times when it seems that the birds don’t sing and bells don’t ring. Yet in spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier as a result."
This next quote really hit me. "The dial on the wheel of sorrow eventually points to each of us. At one time or another, everyone must experience sorrow. No one is exempt." Part of my problem was that I was naive, I didn't think that the "dial of sorrow" would point to me. I truly thought that I would have a beautiful life without blemishes.
And a good reminder for me was "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."
I loved the entire article: http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,49-1-947-9,00.html
Am I back? Not yet but I am getting closer everyday. I'm still a few smiles short and I've got a tear making an encore appearance now and then.
But I can say that I am not depressed and I love my beautiful life...with a few blemishes.

I'm Bored...Let's Take a Drive

So we did. And we ended up in Coloma. We stopped and threw rocks in the river and just enjoyed being together as a family. We sang Beatles songs and listened to music on the drive and just really had fun.